YAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!

Somebody kill me, please!

O, why, God, why?

And this current episode? Are you fucking kidding me? That chick-- that's what they think a Pitchfork writer lives like??? BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Welcome to Bizarro world!!!!

PLEASE KILL ME, YAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!

Curious...

Technorati results for "Love Monkey" are almost exclusively Livejournals.

You judge for yourself the significance of that one.

Ahem.

Um. Uh...

Well, the first Love Monkey Slash Fic has appeared.

Ahem.

Weakly

EW (and how appropriate is it that Entertainment Weekly's initials are "Ew!"?) reports on Love Monkey's ratings:

CBS entertainment president Nina Tassler seemed really psyched about "potential" for "growth."

The Voice Speaketh

The Village Voice call's Love Monkey "inspid!"

Remember, Ossilin? That's the same word I used to describe Love Monkey to you!

Village Voice:

You're Wayne and we will try to keep your Wayneness," Tom promises sincerely, damning Love Monkey to the crapper, another failed attempt to use rock as the backdrop for an insipid sitcom.

Love Monkey Viewing Party Gawked

... by, um, Gawker. [And they speak the truth, as always: "In case you weren’t sure, yes, CBGB’s jumped the shark, landed in the tank, got eaten, vomited up again, eaten again and then shot by Roy Scheider." --Ossilin]

But the real question is: did anyone go to the one at Pianos? Report, please.

[UPDATE: According to this, that viewing party is actually in a couple of weeks -- "New York band Eugene will be performing on CBS's Love Monkey Tuesday, January 31st 9pm. And will be playing the Love Monkey Viewing Party (acoustic set) on January 31st, 8pm. Pianos Upstairs." Go forth and taunt, people! (The television screen, I mean, not the live bands, who always deserve a chance for recognition if they are talented and ... sipid?)]

Julia: The Record Label Love Interest

Her Myspace Profile:

Hahahahahah! She currently has 2 friends: Tom (duh!), and, get this: Tom! BWAH HA HA HA HA!

Location: WILLIAMSBURG, NY (emphasis mine)

Heroes (I shit you not): Buddha, Nancy Spungen.

That's Buddha *and* Nancy Spungen, get it? Whoa, she's "FAR OUT!" She's "CRAZY!"

The Times:

Understandably, his boss fires him on the spot. Tom is in many ways a watered-down, television version of Tom Cruise in "Jerry Maguire" (you deplete me).

New York Magazine:

It squirms and bawls like the bastard love child of Candace Bushnell and Nick Hornby.

You almost got it, but it's "Blows" not "Bites"

The Celebrity Cafe:

The Man in the Yellow Hat would probably disown “Love Monkey,” a dreary dramatic comedy that is more dangerous than that chimp in "Outbreak."

Timesunion.com:

It's as if "Ed" were on his way to an audition for a Dockers commercial but found himself marooned in the East Village and asked to give a lecture on the history of punk rock.

Ugh.

I'll bet you a hundred bucks you can't get beyond the first paragraph of this Boston Globe "Love Monkey" review:

The language of CBS's ''Love Monkey" is Bob Dylan-ese, peppered with the odd Sex Pistols phrase, and spoken in a Talking Heads accent. It also has etymological roots in Aretha Franklin, CBGB, Air Supply, and Eric Clapton's ''Layla," which proudly announces itself in a cellphone ring tone.

Ugh.

That's what we thought, too

From the January 23rd issue of People:

[Cavanagh] does not look like a man born to wear a porkpie hat with confidence or style. He might as well go out with his head under a taxidermized crow.